Free write...

I walked into Creative Writing yesterday and Brian (the instructor) had the AM radio static playing very loud and wanted us to free write with it playing. Well it was very suprising to myself. I have been going through a hard time with depression, and well I didn't really know why, until I wrote it out, and now I feel better. I really really would like it if you read it, I know it is long, but it is for YOU. :))

OBNOXIOUS! The void in my head,. The emptiness, like a dead signal. Something is missing, the joy and music. I am alone, but I'm not. Why is there this void? I am consumed by it. My head aches as well as my heart. I called it off between Brandon and I, atleast until I get my thoughts gathered. Wendi's happiness and warm thoughts are gone. The joy of cruising around with Chrissy listening to music loudly and just having one another there to spend it with. My crazy adventures Bryan always took us on physically and mentally. Melani and I running wild in Midland screaming FUCK at the top of our longs, and our weekly dinners at Olive Garden. Friday afternoon crusing around with Brandon for atleast an hour trying to decide where to eat. Chai and chopped ice with Josh, as we watch artistic films that only we could enjoy. Sipping coffee and watching morning movies with mom. Sitting in my driveway eating Wendy's and never having loss of a topic wtih Jason. I miss the innocence, the ignorance, the love, the joy, all drained out of my system as I listen to the static that is all that remains. How can I hold a relationship when I honestly fell I no longer have life? What else to write? What more to say? I have not brought up dad today on the nine year anniversary of his death, no for now I know a stronger loss. Chrissy and her boys, whom I loved all so dearly, I never quite felt like a belonged as a group, but individually each of us had a special bond. My four hoursemen whom I love so dearly, I'm dying inside with out our chats on Wendi's porch, or Bryans neighbor's yards. I miss everything about everyone. I miss that feeling of belonging. I used to hate Midland when I lived there, now I would give anything just to go back to those moments again...