Reallly Really Long Unfinished thought...kind of repiticious but nice beginning

Each one of our senses makes for a brillant story in mind. When I smell cigarrette smoke and a certain type of cologne mixed together I think of my father and memories whirl in my mind. When I see my blue roses each day as I sit at my computer I think of my friendships with Jason and Chrissy. All around me are pictures, freezed frames from that past that will never return. When I hear Seether or Nickleback I think of concerts Josh Wilson and I attended, I remember the starry skies above, the atmosphere of people who were much like what I longed to be, but what stereotype of others have prevented me of becoming. When I feel the my blanket that I have had since I was three against my cheek I think back to stories before bed, and life before chaos struck, when everything was perfect.

Today I ordered a hazelnut latte, a favorite of my past, but something I really haven't had since Ben and I broke up. I took one sip and my taste buds sent me straight to the past, sitting at Starbucks watching Ben work with my friends as we shared pound cake. I'm having such a hard time with this seperation. I had a hard time with Jason moving I cried for weeks, but soon I learned to cope, when I go to Houston I think of Jeremy constantly and how very much I miss him and wish I had his jokes and friendship when grandmother's pulling me down. (Sidenote: Last night I even watched a video of Jeremy Alexa and I the last night I saw him...)

But this is different, I am the one gone, I have left everything I had, and loved. I no longer have my friends, or my enemies, I miss them both one and the same. They were what made me who I was, and now they are gone. Will this pain ever go away? What is worse is when I return half of my friends turn their noses refusing to speak with me, but the other half I love more than I did when I lived there and they seem to feel the same as I do. Bryan is even talking about moving out here since I am here, and going to school here. That would help me soo much, but that is selfish of me to encourage his thoughts so I give no comment but, "do what you have to do", it kills me everytime in the thought that maybe he would reconsider.

No one here lives to the same lifestyle as me. They laugh at my thoughts and beliefs, they get mad at me when I tell them of my private life, but yet they speak to me about their issues. Now it's not a thing of selfishness, b/c once they realize that they have opened up to me they take it back and apologize feeling what they did was rude, but I find it a major way to cope. I just need to find a friend, and fast. I love Brandon and he is great, but he is more than a friend. I want a friend like Bryan, Mel, Patrick and Wendi who believe what I do, and I can sit and have hour long conversations in the things I believe in and make progress in my thoughts. I want a friend like Chrissy who I can be close to and simple with; having fun just crusing to music, or making friendship bracelets. I want a friend like Josh who is always easygoing about things, and we can discuss theatre, and randomly travel about the place. I need my old friends back...but things change, so now I must move on, but I haven't had time to really meet anyone. I don't know how to meet someone anymore, I've been so close to my friends who were my family, I have got to snap out of this. The loneliness allows my mind to ponder on to scary thoughts, and then I dwell on them, and then I have a nervous break down on my birthday...like I did...::sigh:: But I have been doing better since I finally cried to Brandon, but I still have this void...

FOOOOOD

Blargs where to eat?!

Free write...

I walked into Creative Writing yesterday and Brian (the instructor) had the AM radio static playing very loud and wanted us to free write with it playing. Well it was very suprising to myself. I have been going through a hard time with depression, and well I didn't really know why, until I wrote it out, and now I feel better. I really really would like it if you read it, I know it is long, but it is for YOU. :))

OBNOXIOUS! The void in my head,. The emptiness, like a dead signal. Something is missing, the joy and music. I am alone, but I'm not. Why is there this void? I am consumed by it. My head aches as well as my heart. I called it off between Brandon and I, atleast until I get my thoughts gathered. Wendi's happiness and warm thoughts are gone. The joy of cruising around with Chrissy listening to music loudly and just having one another there to spend it with. My crazy adventures Bryan always took us on physically and mentally. Melani and I running wild in Midland screaming FUCK at the top of our longs, and our weekly dinners at Olive Garden. Friday afternoon crusing around with Brandon for atleast an hour trying to decide where to eat. Chai and chopped ice with Josh, as we watch artistic films that only we could enjoy. Sipping coffee and watching morning movies with mom. Sitting in my driveway eating Wendy's and never having loss of a topic wtih Jason. I miss the innocence, the ignorance, the love, the joy, all drained out of my system as I listen to the static that is all that remains. How can I hold a relationship when I honestly fell I no longer have life? What else to write? What more to say? I have not brought up dad today on the nine year anniversary of his death, no for now I know a stronger loss. Chrissy and her boys, whom I loved all so dearly, I never quite felt like a belonged as a group, but individually each of us had a special bond. My four hoursemen whom I love so dearly, I'm dying inside with out our chats on Wendi's porch, or Bryans neighbor's yards. I miss everything about everyone. I miss that feeling of belonging. I used to hate Midland when I lived there, now I would give anything just to go back to those moments again...

Dreaming of you....

Had a weird dream about you last night. That for my MC geography class I was doing a scavenger hunt for shoes, and while i was searching I saw you in the shoe store. And you were buying my bday gift with your mom...(chocolate covered espresso beans) lol...it was fun.

Eureka!! I've Got It!

Well I have finally started, I am going to make many necklaces, bracelets, anklets, candles, etc. and sell 'em. I bought a book Monday on it, and I have been studying up, I need to start with consignment shops and word 'o' mouth I think. If you want to help out, that would be greatly appreciated, get my name out there. I'm thinking about getting my own busy liscence as well, so I can have my own shop one day maybe. Selling Candles, hemp, and TEA! hehe. It could be like a tea cafe where ppl come to sip on chai, and all around them will be mine and other's hippie creations that they can take off the shelf, for a price. Wouldn't it be grand? It would be something I could do, when I'm not in the classroom.

The critical decisions to life

What to wear today?

Pool Party

Last night I had a blast at Christina's Birthday party at

When we first got there Brandon and I debated on eating until Christina told us it was time to play pool. And those who knew me in my skating days, know I can't turn down a good game of pool. But yet, I hadn't played in years, so I didn't focus on skill, I focused more on enjoying myself. We broke into teams. Christina, Brian, and I on one team, and Clark, Lauren, and Brandon on the other. The first game Brian and I had great team work, I set up the shot on my turn, then on his turn he hit it in, unluckily that was the losing shot, b/c it was the 8 ball. But that is okay b/c we started again:

While Clark made his shot...

The rest of us chilled, feeling no threat, for we were winners. ;)

Next it was Brian's shot...

Christina's mother, and their neighbor watched us with much enthusiasim and excitement.
And then the excitement began, when I approached my turn there were two balls left on the table,our purple striped ball and the eight ball. To show I knew what I was donig I didn't bother to chalk my stick I just dove right on in. I set up my shot and planned for the purple ball to go in the corner pocket, but as I hit it, it bounced and instead made me look even more skilled by hitting the center pocket on the opposite side. The crowed oooed and awwed, or atleast I did. Then came the final shot, that of the eight ball, I call my pocket and with precision it sank into the other corner pocket. WE HAD ONE!!

Our Victory Shot!
Afterwards we all sat with those we cared most for and visited...

Julie and Brian

Clark and Lauren

and the birthday girl with...well....
We had much fun being goofy!

Clark in my glasses

And then we finished the night off with cake and ice cream!!! As Clark sang his solo. ;) Good times.

Spam.

First they were door to door, then they filled your mailboxes, then when the masses moved from there they filled their inboxes as well, now they are spamming our blogs?! What is this world coming to?

What do you think?

Let's weigh out the goods and the bads. English proffessor college level, or fourth grade teacher...decisions decisions....