Tears of Joy
Wow! Today was so awesome. One of my favorite days in a long time. It was so great to have Chrissy back like that. I have missed her so much, tonite I laughed the first real full hearted laugh I have been able to laugh since she left. Wow...here I am crying now hehe. It was just so great, I hope she doesn't leave again. I don't think I could stand to lose her again. Now I feel like I'm just getting creepy, but she is my best friend, what can one expect? I hope she has a happy birthday! :))
The movie was great, and at first it was even better, b/c it was Josh, Sterling, Brandon, Chrissy, and I and it felt all too right. Then finishing the movie with Brandon holding me tighter and tighter as the movie grew more and more "intense" I guess you could say, was all that more great. And it was wonderful to see Josh with Sterling and happy all at the same time I was able to be with Brandon. All has been so right I never want this time period to end. Josh you can't leave sorry end of story. ;)
***Okay here I get mushy and such so if you don't wish to gag you may skip this part: Tonite kissing Brandon was back to the way it had been before. I don't know what happened but that spark was back. Each time we pulled apart I would have to remind myself to breathe. Lately Brandon and I had hit a tiny rough patch, but here we were tonite, me feeling the way I had before and stronger. ***
Here I go crying again. I don't think I can make it without any of you by my side. Without one there is a piece of me missing. Each of you carry a piece of my heart that no other can open, no matter how hard one tries. Without each of you I cannot be free enough to be completely happy me. I don't know what I will do in the future when we all go our seperate ways. This past week has shown allot of the stress that is to follow, and my baby is the only one that I really know will be there all the way. I just hope we don't allow ourselves to go seperate ways and then never speak again, I don't believe I could handle that. You are the air I breathe, and the existence I thrive on. My own identity has never exisisted in my diverse raisings, but with each person and familiar and put together identity is revealed.
To Josh and Sterling: I wish you two to be the happiest couple there is. I see how much you two care for one another, even through your differences you do not allow that to affect your love. That is something I could never bring myself to do. If I didn't like something a boyfriend did, I either dumped them, or cringed each time they walked into a room. But you two, complete opposites, but yet identically the same. Your love is a strong vive that glows its rays so that others can feel the warmth presented when their mind is opened to such a new and foreign idea still in the modern world we are in today.
To Chrissy: I hope you the best of luck in what is to come. I know your love for Robbie is real, for how could something imaginary still have a light this far down the road. I wish with all my might I had the five hundred dollars to grant you on your birthday, and the power to fly Robbie down here and bring him to your front door (with a bow in his hair ofcourse;). I just want to see you happy and satisfied, and I know it can happen one day, all it needs is patience and time. I am not a psychic, nor am I a prophet but I can say that the possibilty of your future together is possible as long as you have patience right now. Understand that as long as he is in yankee town he will not be able to maintain a successful relationship, all that leads to is suspicion and makes the pain between you two that much worse when you think of your distance. If only there was a way to get him back here...for good.
I also really hope we can get you out of this God forsaken town before it completely drives you mad. I still need to go over the criteria of living in Lubbock with you. I really pray you take it into consideration. To have you, Alexa, and Brandon will almost be like it was in the beginning, except minus one :( but atleast we know he is happy right? I really don't think you should try getting Robbie out here until you have settled in a place where you can live happily (which probally wouldn't be Lubbock either) hehe ick, but on that same note you probally don't care if you had to live in Djakarta Indonesia as long as you had Robbie hehe.
Oh ya and one last thing, please don't leave again. The largest piece of me is missing when you are gone.
Love of my life: My dearest, since November my emotions towards you have been strong and true, although I must admit not too loyal with the time of seperation, and loss of hope of our future in those several months we were apart. For this I have apologized again and again, and here I am again begging your fogiveness. And I also apologize for the Hell that I had created this past week. I did not mean for it to get this way, I just sort of lost control of my sanity for a period of time. At moments I didn't even know where I was, or who you or I were. I stared into emptiness lost in a world of nothing, but no matter what you stuck it out and sat by me. You tried to help and I put you down, and treated you as if you were the enemy, when really I was just jealous. Jealous that you were getting to start a new step in life, and I was still stuck at the same pattern of life I have been the past five years, and not able to go home. On top of that, Grandmother was not making my future decisions easy. I know I know...excuses excuses...i just really think that this past week has been the closest I have ever been to a real nervous breakdown, I have never been so gone, but you were the only thing right, the only thing that held me together. I love you for that, and all other things you do for me. You spoil me sir. hehe. You better never leave me again! You are the greatest guy I have ever known and without you I 1)could not survive 2) I would have to learn to turn out my own lights, run my own errands, clean my own room ;), etc. what ever would I do without you?! lol I love you baby.
I'm sorry I'm getting so mushy on ya'll but right now is one of the greatest times of my life, and I know it will be very short lived and I just want to let you all know just how much you four impact me before you go and live your lives as you did before without realizing how much you mean to me.
Truly Yours,
Jessie
(This was also posted on MySpace with a preferred list of Josh, Brandon, and Chrissy, so Chrissy could read this as well. Love you boyz!)
The movie was great, and at first it was even better, b/c it was Josh, Sterling, Brandon, Chrissy, and I and it felt all too right. Then finishing the movie with Brandon holding me tighter and tighter as the movie grew more and more "intense" I guess you could say, was all that more great. And it was wonderful to see Josh with Sterling and happy all at the same time I was able to be with Brandon. All has been so right I never want this time period to end. Josh you can't leave sorry end of story. ;)
***Okay here I get mushy and such so if you don't wish to gag you may skip this part: Tonite kissing Brandon was back to the way it had been before. I don't know what happened but that spark was back. Each time we pulled apart I would have to remind myself to breathe. Lately Brandon and I had hit a tiny rough patch, but here we were tonite, me feeling the way I had before and stronger. ***
Here I go crying again. I don't think I can make it without any of you by my side. Without one there is a piece of me missing. Each of you carry a piece of my heart that no other can open, no matter how hard one tries. Without each of you I cannot be free enough to be completely happy me. I don't know what I will do in the future when we all go our seperate ways. This past week has shown allot of the stress that is to follow, and my baby is the only one that I really know will be there all the way. I just hope we don't allow ourselves to go seperate ways and then never speak again, I don't believe I could handle that. You are the air I breathe, and the existence I thrive on. My own identity has never exisisted in my diverse raisings, but with each person and familiar and put together identity is revealed.
To Josh and Sterling: I wish you two to be the happiest couple there is. I see how much you two care for one another, even through your differences you do not allow that to affect your love. That is something I could never bring myself to do. If I didn't like something a boyfriend did, I either dumped them, or cringed each time they walked into a room. But you two, complete opposites, but yet identically the same. Your love is a strong vive that glows its rays so that others can feel the warmth presented when their mind is opened to such a new and foreign idea still in the modern world we are in today.
To Chrissy: I hope you the best of luck in what is to come. I know your love for Robbie is real, for how could something imaginary still have a light this far down the road. I wish with all my might I had the five hundred dollars to grant you on your birthday, and the power to fly Robbie down here and bring him to your front door (with a bow in his hair ofcourse;). I just want to see you happy and satisfied, and I know it can happen one day, all it needs is patience and time. I am not a psychic, nor am I a prophet but I can say that the possibilty of your future together is possible as long as you have patience right now. Understand that as long as he is in yankee town he will not be able to maintain a successful relationship, all that leads to is suspicion and makes the pain between you two that much worse when you think of your distance. If only there was a way to get him back here...for good.
I also really hope we can get you out of this God forsaken town before it completely drives you mad. I still need to go over the criteria of living in Lubbock with you. I really pray you take it into consideration. To have you, Alexa, and Brandon will almost be like it was in the beginning, except minus one :( but atleast we know he is happy right? I really don't think you should try getting Robbie out here until you have settled in a place where you can live happily (which probally wouldn't be Lubbock either) hehe ick, but on that same note you probally don't care if you had to live in Djakarta Indonesia as long as you had Robbie hehe.
Oh ya and one last thing, please don't leave again. The largest piece of me is missing when you are gone.
Love of my life: My dearest, since November my emotions towards you have been strong and true, although I must admit not too loyal with the time of seperation, and loss of hope of our future in those several months we were apart. For this I have apologized again and again, and here I am again begging your fogiveness. And I also apologize for the Hell that I had created this past week. I did not mean for it to get this way, I just sort of lost control of my sanity for a period of time. At moments I didn't even know where I was, or who you or I were. I stared into emptiness lost in a world of nothing, but no matter what you stuck it out and sat by me. You tried to help and I put you down, and treated you as if you were the enemy, when really I was just jealous. Jealous that you were getting to start a new step in life, and I was still stuck at the same pattern of life I have been the past five years, and not able to go home. On top of that, Grandmother was not making my future decisions easy. I know I know...excuses excuses...i just really think that this past week has been the closest I have ever been to a real nervous breakdown, I have never been so gone, but you were the only thing right, the only thing that held me together. I love you for that, and all other things you do for me. You spoil me sir. hehe. You better never leave me again! You are the greatest guy I have ever known and without you I 1)could not survive 2) I would have to learn to turn out my own lights, run my own errands, clean my own room ;), etc. what ever would I do without you?! lol I love you baby.
I'm sorry I'm getting so mushy on ya'll but right now is one of the greatest times of my life, and I know it will be very short lived and I just want to let you all know just how much you four impact me before you go and live your lives as you did before without realizing how much you mean to me.
Truly Yours,
Jessie
(This was also posted on MySpace with a preferred list of Josh, Brandon, and Chrissy, so Chrissy could read this as well. Love you boyz!)
posted by This_Love_For_You @ 11:53 PM
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